When was the last time you went on a cruise? You know, giant boat, thousands of new friends. Fabulous food. 24-hour-a-day cocktail hour. More fun things to do than time to do them.
That’s what we just came back from. All four of us. Karen and Rick who invited Suzi who then invited me as her plus-one. Yes, Rick was girl-trapped but if anyone can handle traveling with three alpha females, it’s Rick.
He is retired law enforcement and has done enough police work in his time to know how to deal effectively with the human condition. He was like our security detail, either walking behind us to watch our “six,” which Google says is to monitor the crowd, and prevent any un-vetted individuals or potential threats from closing the gap. Or he was walking in front of us to be a proactive buffer, clear crowds, and identify threats, according to Google.
Also, I think he was positioned to prevent himself from getting involved in our conversations which consisted of lots of opinions and too much information about things he’d rather not know about.
Anyway, the only threat to our security was the ship’s plumbing problem which we will discuss later.
The other husband was our travel agent
A word about Glenn, who didn’t go on this trip but put forth a heroic effort to make arrangements (hotels, flights, cruise amenities). He can spot a deal a nautical mile away and conversely he can sniff out double charges, missing credits, incorrect fees and so forth. He saves us a lot of money and he sent me off fully equipped with a tabbed folder containing every nano-item of information that wasn’t on my phone.
Ship jumper delays departure
For some reason when it was time to set sail our ship didn’t leave the dock. People love to watch the ship shove off but the crowd finally gave up and took their drinks elsewhere. The next day we found out why. Our server heard us talking about seeing the sights in San Diego, which was our first stop, and she shared with us her sadness that she was being confined to the ship along with the rest of the staff because somebody had “jumped ship.”
Suzi was concerned, “What level was he on? Did he get hurt?”
Well, what can you expect? We are desert dwellers and aren’t familiar with nautical terminology. When the shoe is on the other foot, we have to explain things like jumping cactus and dust devils to people visiting our state.
The server explained that no, no her co-worker didn’t jump off the ship he went AWOL. Thus, the ship had to deal with the authorities and presumably find someone to fill his spot.
Movie night on the Hurricane Deck
The movie “Song Sung Blue” was showing on deck that night and three of us (you can probably guess which three) decided to go see Hugh Jackman (hunka-hunka) portray Neil Diamond (once-a-hunka).
Problem was that whatever hunk of Pacific Ocean we were on was windy and getting windier. Wrapped up in blankets and beach towels, we looked like three mummies on our reclining deck chairs.
The movie was two hours long and before it was over, everyone but us had given up and left, and their empty deck chairs were blowing all over the deck.
We were proud of ourselves for being tough cookies and riding out the bad weather – we aren’t quitters and we didn’t abandon the movie like Shackleton’s crew abandoned their ship when it got stuck in Antarctica.
When No. 2s are a No. 1 problem
More adventure awaited us when plumbing problems began. We were a couple of days into the cruise and hot showers were becoming a thing of the past. But, okay, we showed the Island Princess some grace and took satisfaction in the two hot pots (not cups, pots. Go big or go home.) of coffee we were getting delivered to our room every morning, complete with plenty of cream, sugar, and bakery products. A word about our coffee guy: He showed up on time, every time, and handed over the heavy tray without a single spill. (Yes, yes, he was the first person we tipped before we jumped ship.)
Anyway, someone, I assume the ship’s plumber who is responsible for drainage systems and all plumbing operations and who should get paid more than the captain if you ask me, got the hot water problem fixed right before the toilets went wonky and flushing became somewhat of a sport. It was Toilet Roulette. Sometimes the flush worked, sometimes it didn’t.
Passengers, including us, began making hasty field trips to communal lavatories found hither and thither on different levels of the ship.
I discovered a women’s room that was off the beaten path and which worked fine. So, I had a Plan B. I was good to go, so to speak, until one time (insert theme from Jaws) there was a line. And the next day there was no flushing at this commode and Plan B was *cough* down the toilet.
Things got even more interesting when Suzi found a uniformed employee outside a public bathroom and sought help for the toilet situation. Suzi is exceptionally articulate, restrained, and engaging. She is a born problem-solver. But with all she had going for her, Suzi wasn’t making much headway with this cry for help.
The woman was making good eye contact and appeared to be actively listening. But her expression clearly said she had other things to do. That’s when I noticed she was holding a camera and that behind Suzi there was a glamorous backdrop — the kind the on-board photographers use to create inordinately expensive commemorative photo packages for us.
Can you imagine what this woman told her co-workers when they were comparing notes about weird passenger behavior? “This woman actually wanted me to get pictures of a toilet that wasn’t working!”
Also, fun fact: All kinds of topics are covered at the dinner table. Plumbing problems should not be one of them.
Really, the cruise was lots of fun!
Mind you, this was *not* a catastrophe cruise. I’m only telling you the bad stuff because a bad situation makes a good story. I’m skipping over the delightful music and entertaining shows. The good food. The good weather. The nice staterooms. Fun excursions. Really nice people on the boat. Blah-blah-blah. We had a great time! But our best giggles were the hysterical ones when there was a problem, which brings me to the end of our cruise when we needed to get off the boat in Vancouver, Canada, and get a ride to our hotel.
Lyft gridlock, long wait, short ride
Realize, we have been on a cruise for nearly a week. We have not had to make decisions (except which entrée and which dessert). We have not had to figure things out (except for finding a working toilet). We have not had to fend for ourselves.
Suddenly, we are off the boat and into a mob scene.
As the designated ride-share organizer I messaged Lyft to come pick us up and take us to our hotel which was less than a mile away. No problem, Lyft would be there in 3-5 minutes.
I shared this news and we all were on the lookout for the make-model-color of our ride. Suddenly, the ride info inexplicably disappeared from my phone screen. And that’s when I entered the Lyft Twilight Zone. I lost three Lyft rides. Bam-bam-bam. Each driver had my location. I had each driver’s name and picture of him and his car. He was coming and then he wasn’t. Holy Roadside Assistance, Batman!
Suzi, Karen, and Rick were being incredibly good sports, standing on the curb watching other groups catching rides, and letting me work the problem. Did I mention it was cloudy, chilly, and starting to sprinkle?
Finally, on my fourth try I got a driver! After almost an hour of struggling to get a ride, I was a tad frayed around the edges when I finally spotted my Lyft car, which explains what happened next.
I watch movies so I’ve seen how people in New York hail a cab and it’s usually a classy, low-key move involving a slightly elevated hand gesture. But that’s not how I did it. No indeed. I shrieked and jumped off the curb into the four-lane, one-way street waving my arms while my group shouted at me to “Watch out, you’re going to get run over!”
To be fair there was a lot of rides and riders clogging up the area and it didn’t look like he saw us so I *cough* made sure he saw us.
Unfortunately he was in a car that would have comfortably fit one minion and a shaving kit (which is probably why he was able to slip through the gridlock we later heard about).
Thus, he made two trips. We were at our hotel in 10 minutes and along the way our driver revealed the mystery of why my rides kept getting dropped. Evidently somewhere there was gridlock. Drivers were stuck and couldn’t reach their rider within a specified deadline. If they couldn’t get to us within their time limit, they dropped the ride.
Also, I now know to order bigger transport, especially when luggage is involved.
Hotel construction and sound-conducting walls
We arrived at our next travel adventure, our hotel where the lobby was under construction. A large sign propped on an easel greeted us explaining that the pounding, power-sawing, and jackhammering going on today would result in a wonderful stay for us next time. I kid you not. I believe in having a positive attitude, but this crossed over into ridiculous wishful thinking. In my world, today’s mess and racket is tomorrow’s new lodging choice.
But, I’m happy to report that the shower water was hot and the toilet flushed. However, the walls were made out of some kind of material that allowed sound waves to vigorously travel from the room next door into our room.
This was especially true at 2 a.m. when our neighbors suddenly came alive with joyousness. Laughter. Chatter. Movement. Many voices. A range of decibels.
What’s the right thing to do in a situation like this? What’s the wrong thing to do? Google says to call the front desk and let them deal with the problem. Google says that unless your name is Thor or The Hulk, you don’t have the authority to enforce quiet. (Plus telling another guest to pipe down might cause the situation to get even louder or send you to the hospital.)
Plan B is to ask the front desk for another room. Maybe getting dressed, packing up, and moving elsewhere is what some people would do but not us. I don’t know what Suzi did, but I pulled a pillow over my head and let my brain run scenarios of what I would do if I was in charge. (If you’re curious, I would have Iceman’s superpower to freeze people into instant, silent immobility.)
That rare moment when a Canadian Is not nice
We joined the throngs sightseeing in the rain and desert-rat me had an umbrella. I do know some umbrella etiquette, like don’t pop it open in someone’s face and don’t shake it out and get water all over the people next to you. But I didn’t know how to hold a furled umbrella when I wasn’t using it.
I should have asked Google. Even A1 knows that “to properly carry a furled (closed) umbrella, always hold it vertically with the pointed tip facing down, close to your body.”
I was gripping my umbrella around its neck (wait, do umbrellas have necks?) because I didn’t realize the tip was an accident waiting to happen. I learned this from a quietly infuriated local woman who instructed me in no uncertain terms to put the tip down on my bloody umbrella.
I demonstrated my American manners by apologizing for my ignorance which she acknowledged but, thus engaged, she continued her muted rant about tourists, rain, umbrellas, and dangerous stupidity as I drifted out of earshot.
Flight cancelled, rescheduled, in-flight barfing
Our flight home got cancelled. Oy vey! Then it got rebooked and we were going to get to see another city in Canada (where incredibly it was snowing even though it wasn’t winter) before we caught a new flight home.
Finally, when we landed in Phoenix, Arizona, we felt like we’d really accomplished something. We had successfully navigated the current bizarre air travel situation whereby anything can happen, and usually does.
Our luggage was not lost. We were not stuck with some unworkable problem. We were home. We were texting the people picking us up from the airport. All was well.
Except … the line wasn’t moving. People in the front of the plane were just standing there.
Bad news travels fast. Passengers in front started relaying updates to passengers in the back about why no one was getting off the plane. Evidently one of our flight attendants had puked strategically, blocking the forward galley. Nobody could leave because nobody was allowed to step over the problem.
Mind you, we’ve all cleaned up messes and it usually involves a roll of paper towels, whatever cleaning products we can get our hands on, and about five minutes of unpleasantness.
But it’s different if you’re an airline and you’re liable for the health and well-being of your passengers. Any germ, anytime, anywhere can result in a plague of lawsuits. Thus, it took almost 20 minutes for a HazMat team (slight exaggeration) to scrub, sanitize, and disinfect the area while we sat there and felt bad for the flight attendant and the crew and ourselves.
Suzi and I checked a new box on our airplane adventure card as we discovered a new way we could be delayed. Also, don’t be surprised if airlines start handing out disposable shoe-covers and adding when and how to use them to pre-flight safety instructions.
Are you still reading this epic saga?
I’m here to tell you that Ulysses and the Odyessy had nothing on us, Sure he may have spent 10 years trying to get home but he had his own ship and help from the Greek gods. We were at the mercy of technology and people with gut issues.
Anyway, you are to be commended for focus, concentration, and staying power. You’ll be happy to know there won’t be a quiz.
The Upstory 