The Upstory

I decided to write an obituary. Mine, to be specific. I mean, why not? I’m a writer and dying is on my bucket list. As our pastor says, when he’s doing an altar call and trying to get us to pay attention to our eternal future, “the last time I checked the mortality rate is still at 100%.”

I have my funeral plans written down (don’t have a funeral, do something outdoors, tell a few jokes, make sure a dog is there, play “When The Roll is Called up Yonder” or something by Gordon Lightfoot) as well as a short list of pre-dying dos and don’ts for the well-intentioned (in case future me is incapacitated and can’t speak for current me).

I thought I could write something sincere but light-hearted about myself that would include the main points: I love my family. My family loves me. I love my dogs. They love me. They are tripping hazards. And if Hank doesn’t stop shout-barking when I’m on the phone I’m going to rip his vocal cords out. Sometimes when I’m horizontal and holding up a book to read, I pass out and lose my grip and the book hits me in the face. There was a sale on pumpkin pie ice cream and I came home with eight containers and didn’t eat anything else for a week. Is this the kind of stuff that goes in an obituary? Is it like a Last Confession? Or a short therapy session?

I do look at the daily obits in the newspaper but not so much to see what they say as to find out if a Salt River Project person died. I administer the SRP Retiree Facebook page and the members started asking each other the eternal retiree question: Who died and when’s the funeral? For some reason I thought it was my job to find out.

Now I’m looking to see how obits are written to get an idea of how to write mine. Mind you, I’ve written plenty of obituaries during my 37 years as a newsletter editor and the Benjamin Bradlees in my life were strict about using the word “died.” Not “passed away.” Not “succumbed.” Not “kicked the bucket.” “Died” was in the Associated Press Stylebook, the rulebook we journalists followed on pain of death.

Supposedly there are more than 100 ways to say “died.” And, now I’m finding out all the ways that people die. They depart. They fall asleep for the last time. They go to their eternal reward. They join the company of heavenly angels. Their beautiful light flickers out.

I don’t see my obit starting out with something flowery. I like the codger obits: He bit the dust. Bought the farm. And my favorite: Kicked the bucket.
I do like Estelle Lewis’ obit (Nov. 3, The Arizona Republic newspaper) which is in first person (she wrote it herself). It simply begins with “Hi and bye.”

Way to go, Estelle! I salute you.