The Upstory

I think we can all agree that human beings are not meant to take group photos for holiday-greeting-card purposes.

I live near the Riparian Habitat, a delightful little backdrop for not only our family photo but for anyone else who lives within 100 miles. There are a couple of scenic cacti that everyone loves to have their picture taken with, although you have to be careful where you stand because judging from some of the camera angles Uncle Bob is going to be featured with a saguaro growing out of his head.

(For the uninitiated, you otherwise don’t have to worry about standing next to a cactus, at least not after the first time when you speared yourself on spines that are tipped with fishhooks and hurt as much coming out as they did going in and you learned not to do that ever again).

Anyway, last weekend must have been the official Get This Over and Done With Day because the place was a mob scene. People were actually taking turns at one of the most popular back-drops, while nobody was over by the Dino Dig sand pit or the butterfly something-or-other habitat. Entire families were standing around losing their light and their enthusiasm waiting for their moment. Some of them were dressed to the hilt (yes, tuxedos) and some looked like they’d been out washing the car before they came over.

Any of them could tell you that this is not their idea of a good time. No indeed. Getting everyone together is a chore and it just gets worse from there.

Here are four reasons why this is so.

What to wear.  Advertisements for clothing teach us that a group photo is successful if everyone is wearing an outfit that likes everyone else’s outfit. (Glenn says men don’t wear outfits but he didn’t tell me what the word is for a male ensemble.) Coordinate, coordinate, coordinate. Yeah try raiding various closets to find clothes that match or contrast. I dare you. You most likely will find a shirt for everyone in five distinct shades of red, which will make your family look like a bunch of paint samples. Every year we struggle to look like we’re from the same planet. The closest we ever got was the year we did a denim-and-black thing.

Where to go. This is almost as much trouble as finding a backdrop for prom pictures. Every place you scope out is either the spot everyone else thought of, or the fountain isn’t running that day, or it’s not scenic anymore because of an insect-related tree blight. One time our location scout (yours truly) found fabulous stone arches but this idea went sideways because the arches had to be cropped out of the final photo card and the remaining background looked like we were standing in front of a field of weeds.

Family dog? Yes, it’s nice to have beloved Bowser in the picture, but really, you’re just asking for trouble. Trust me. We’ve tried this on three separate occasions with three different dogs. The dog is always a distraction. The kids are bored and bug the dog, getting him (or her) wound up and barking. Or the dog doesn’t know he’s supposed to be posed sitting up and lays down. Or all the stress makes him want to pee on something. Also, did you know that of all the fights that get started during this festivity, two are about which dog to take and who the dog sits next to?

Picking the best shot. Here’s where things get interesting. You may have thought the worst was over, and you’re going to pick out the best photo and get the card started. But noooo. What you’re going to do is enter into negotiations that make what Kennedy and Khrushchev did during the Cuban Missile Crisis look like amateur night. Everyone first looks to see how they look. Then, if there are four people you get five opinions.

When the Dynamic Duo was small, there were a lot of shots of them looking at something that wasn’t the camera. These were followed by shots of Glenn looking at the kids while the kids obediently listened to him and looked at the camera. In the early days we would warn the photographer that he had about five minutes to get shots, so to fire away before everyone timed out. We didn’t do a second backdrop. We didn’t change up the group line-up. You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.  We always found one picture, from the three dozen images, that worked. Kinda. Sorta.

One year, Holly decided to make faces during the photo shoot because Grandma was this year’s photographer and Holly liked to make Grandma laugh. Grandma didn’t rat out Holly so Glenn and I, who were standing behind her, didn’t know what was happening. That year we ordered two sets of picture-cards. One without crazy faces and one with. We made sure that Holly saw us signing the crazy cards and saw the stack of sealed, addressed envelopes. She grabbed one of the pictures from the stack, saw Bizarro Face and freaked out. Then she ripped open one of the sealed envelopes and realized we weren’t bluffing.  She made some totally new faces and did some shrieking. It was awesome. Glenn and I really moved the parenting needle that day.

Anyway, choosing the best shot can go on for hours. It’s best to begin this activity when everyone is hungry and tell people that as soon as they decide, they can eat.

We still have this year’s photo event to look forward to. Usually I try to get our picture around the middle of December and get the cards out in January. Or February. One year I was later than usual and someone actually called me to see what was taking so long.

You are about the same age as your parents were when they died, so I thought that might have happened to you.

Fortunately, she didn’t get my voice mail so I was able to personally give her the good news that, yes, I was still vertical.