Have you ever heard of the TWA Stewardess Diet?
Do you know what TWA stands for?
Is stewardess even a word anymore?
I ask because while excavating my file drawers I unearthed this archaeological diet treasure that debuted somewhere between the Beverly Hills Diet in 1981 and the Elizabeth Taylor diet in 1986.
With the Beverly Hills diet you weirdly and progressively ate a list of things for 35 days, starting with fruits that you ate in a specific order for 10 days. Then on day 11 you ate bread, three cobs of corn, and two tablespoons of butter. I don’t know what happened after Day 11 because there was a warning that said this diet could cause diarrhea and circulation issues and I stopped reading.
The Elizabeth Taylor Diet involved combinations of food that aren’t appetizing to begin with much less when combined into a diet mixture. For example, tuna mixed with tomato pasta, mayonnaise and grapefruit. I’m sure weight loss was effective with this diet because after the first mouthful there was no desire to eat ever again. But Elizabeth Taylor was movie-star gorgeous (because she was an actual movie star) and you wanted to believe that dieting and not her fabulous DNA was the reason. Never mind that her favorite foods reportedly were fried chicken and mashed potatoes. If she said to eat mayo and grapefruit, people did.
The Scarsdale 14-Day Diet, in the 1970s, promised 20 pounds of weight loss in two weeks. It was a 1,000 calories-a-day diet, no matter your height or gender, and the only snacks allowed were carrots and celery. The man who created this diet, Dr. Herbert Tarnower, died prematurely when his girlfriend shot him to death. I’m guessing she was on Day 13 of the diet. The problem with this diet is it only worked while you were on it. After you started eating the foods required by your taste buds and once your daily food intake exceeded 1,000 calories you were back to where you started from.
But anyway, back to the TWA Stewardess Diet. (TWA is the abbreviation for Trans World Airlines, which folded up its wings and was acquired by American Airlines a couple of decades ago.)
This diet emerged back in the day when flight attendants were called stewardesses and were, without exception, all women. They were required to be good looking, single, and slim. I kid you not. They were told how to wear their hair and how to apply their makeup. They had a strict dress code and they were expected to show up for work looking good in their form-fitting uniforms. They had to “make weight” if they wanted to fly. This led to crash dieting. So, voila: The stewardess diet was born and guaranteed you’d lose 10 pounds in four days.
Google says that the plan works by combining certain foods which create a chemical reaction that boosts metabolism and makes you lose weight. The stewardess diet also consists of foods that will help you feel full and tells you to avoid foods that may “provoke hunger.” Which is a weird thing to say since food is used to un-provoke hunger.
This is the only diet I have ever tried, (except for the Ice Cream Diet, which we will discuss later).
I’m here to tell you this diet works. You drop weight like a boss. You’re not hungry because you can eat as much as you can gag down. The only downside is you lose your will to live.
This diet includes grapefruit, prune juice, pineapple juice, green beans, hard-boiled eggs, lamb chops, lettuce, hamburger, steak, and some other things that you were supposed to eat in the exact order listed for four days. No substitutions.
I’ve done this diet twice and I’m here to tell you I could literally feel the chemical reaction taking place. For one thing every cell in my body was screaming “Where’s the sugar?” I put sugar in my coffee. I start every day with sugar and I end every day with more sugar.
So yeah, that was a problem. The other problem was I didn’t like any of the foods on the diet. Of course, you’re not supposed to. It’s a diet. But I never touch green beans and I stay away from grapefruit. Hard-boiled eggs are only good if they’re deviled and even then one is enough.
I made the mistake of starting this diet on a Monday, the beginning of the work week. Monday is already tough enough without adding the pressure of a strict diet. But here I was. Starting off my day eating grapefruit. Then a hardboiled egg. Then green beans. Then black coffee (which my mother always said was like drinking embalming fluid).
Of course, it was someone’s birthday so the food table outside my cubicle was laden with food designed to provoke hunger. I nearly passed out watching everyone ingest mass quantities of a luscious double-decker cake loaded with my favorite buttercream frosting.
By noon, when it was time for me to ingest my hamburger patty, tomato juice, and head of lettuce, I was well on my way to the chemical breakdown. Plus, a bonus mental and emotional breakdown.
Mind you this went on for four days. If you’re paying attention, that’s 96 hours. Glenn and the dogs felt sorry for me but they stayed out of my way and ate in places where I couldn’t see them.
My world shrank down to just my tortured tastebuds and Category 5 cravings. My sleep was affected and I actually dreamed about food. Not green beans but food I couldn’t have. My stomach, on the other hand, was fine. It was packed full of tasteless stuff.
I kept thinking about the stewardesses who had done this diet to keep their jobs and wondered how many of them decided to switch careers.
By Day Three I noticed a difference. I felt streamlined, otherworldly, virtuous even. Was I morphing into a health nut? Would I be preaching the gospel of no carbs, no sugar, and no Ben & Jerry’s for breakfast?
Day Four came — and went — and I awoke victorious. I did it! I stuck it out and ate stuff that would never, ever make it into my food pyramid again. I hopped on the scale.
Ten pounds, as promised, right? Wrong, eight pounds.
Still, I rejoiced. The dogs twirled around wagging their tails and rejoicing. Glenn added creamer and sugar to our communal coffee pot and he rejoiced.
The sugared, creamed coffee gave my system a little jolt. That should have been a clue. I skipped my breakfast grapefruit and green beans.
What did TWA say to do on Day 5-6-7-ad infinitum?
Well, nothing.
Presumably by then the plane has landed and Svelte Stewardess You is free to move about the cabin and put your tray table in the upright position, eating what you want until next time.
I decided to celebrate and took myself to Baskin Robbins for lunch. Do you have any idea what three scoops of Jamoca Almond Fudge does when it hits someone’s purified food-processing system?
B&R’s premium ice cream is 16% butterfat and Google says that butterfat consists of a mixture of triglycerides, particularly those derived from fatty acids, such as palmitic, oleic, myristic, and stearic acids.
And that, folks, is how I experienced my first dairy hangover, complete with a headache, stomachache and overall feeling of unspecified unwellness.
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I know you want to find out more about this historic diet and for sure you want to read my Ice Cream Diet so here they are:
TWA STEWARDESS DIET
There is no portion control for this diet. Eat and drink as much as you like of each item, just remember to eat in the exact order listed.
✦ DAY 1
Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit and black coffee
Lunch: Broiled steak, tomato and lettuce salad without any dressing, and 1 apple.
Dinner: 2 Hard-boiled eggs, green beans, and 1 grapefruit.
✦ DAY 2
Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit and black coffee
Lunch: 1 pork chop, lettuce salad, 6 oz. tomato juice
Dinner: Cauliflower, squash, green beans, and 6 oz. applesauce
✦ DAY 3
Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit and black coffee
Lunch: Celery, lettuce salad (no dressing), hamburger patty (broiled), and one small apple
Dinner: Broiled chicken, stewed tomatoes, and a glass of prune juice
✦ DAY 4
Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit and black coffee
Lunch: 2 scrambled eggs or hard-boiled, green beans, and 6 oz. pineapple juice
Dinner: Steak, lettuce & tomatoes (no dressing), and 6 oz. tomato juice
TRIED & TRUE ICE CREAM DIET
I created and successfully used this diet formula until I became a parent and had to set a Nutrition Example for the Dynamic Duo who were supposed to ingest so-called healthy foods:
Day One and every day thereafter
Breakfast
Coffee with cream and sugar.
Lunch
Three entrée-size scoops of whatever ice cream fulfills your cravings.
(Cold Stone Creamery, Baskin Robbins, Tillamook, etc.)
Afternoon snack
Dreamsicles (two or more, depending on how much change you have) from the PAB vending machine. (Fudgecicles can be substituted if someone gets to the Dreamcicles before you do.)
Dinner
Chilled White Zin. Various amounts depending on what kind of day you’ve had.
The Upstory 