The Upstory

I went grocery shopping last week and I discovered I’m out of practice. You’d have thought it was my first time ever.

Why, I don’t know. I have no idea what caused me to blank out on the process, but I did.

First, I grabbed a basket because I had a short list and I didn’t think I needed a cart. Then at the exact moment I was finishing shopping, I realized I needed three cases of grape Propel. (Yes, I slug down Propel like a boss. No other flavor, just the grape.)

The three cases won’t fit in my basket. And, of course, now I’m in the back of the store and have to walk all the way to the front — to where the carts are.

Anymore, retail walking is like playing video games where you turn blind corners and somehow you’re going too fast and something pops up at you and you swerve and keep going without looking back because you can hear stuff crashing off shelves and scary music … wait, that didn’t happen, that was just my video imagination running wild.

So, I run this obstacle course crossing social distancing floor strips and passing antibacterial stations to get to the front where the carts are. But wait, I can’t walk over and get a cart like in the olden days because of the process whereby the carts have been sanitized and compartmentalized. Plus, shopper traffic needs to flow in one direction and I’m swimming upstream. A helpful staff member is on the spot and immediately brings me a cart. I dump the basket of stuff into the cart and return like a Ninja marathoner weaving back and forth through aisles and around displays and shoppers to get to the Propel aisle.

What’s exciting about this is the dramatic moment when I will discover if there is any grape Propel. I’m not the only one who likes the grape flavor. I’m pretty sure that if Propel did a focus group or launched a survey they would quickly find out they don’t need to make kiwi, raspberry, black cherry, or lemon. No indeed. Those flavors sit on the shelf and will stay there for all time while Propel guzzlers fight over the last 12-pack of grape.

I’m in luck though and I scuttle off with all the grape Propel I can jam into the cart (yes, yes while still leaving behind plenty of 12-packs for the next grape addict). And I’m off to pay using self-checkout and here’s where things get interesting.

I pull up to scan my first item which is the Propel. I don’t have to take it out of the cart, I can just use the hand-held scanner. Beep. Beep. Beep. And that’s when my brain stopped working.

I was having such a good time scanning stuff in the cart that I just kept on going. Beep for carrots. Beep for eggs. Beep for bread. Beep beep beep for ice cream.

Why didn’t I think of doing this before? It’s so fast and easy!

Suddenly, with two items to go, my neurons began firing again. None of this stuff has been weighed or bagged.

Now the staffer who the grocery store hired specifically to oversee people like me who bungle self-checkout is coming my way. (I’m pretty sure the thought balloon over her head says “Boomer.”) She tells me to just bag the stuff in the cart that I’ve paid for and forget about the weighing. She’s friendly and above all, kind.

So off I go at long last to the parking lot where to no one’s surprise I have lost my car. It isn’t where I parked it. And where ever it is, it’s out of range of the car-alarm button on my keys, which mercifully are in my hand.

Egad. What happened to my cognitive function? I thought I was keeping up rather well what with the hiking, biking, and other activities that keep the mind focused and brain working.

Anyway, I did eventually find my car. Without help and before the ice cream melted, I might add for those of you who are wondering.