The Upstory

OK, raise your hand (or paw) if you’ve ever gotten an email that starts out like this:

Have a great day! I assume this letter will come for the correct address and you will receive it. It is Natalia. I am 29 y.o. I have healthy lives.

This is how Natalia started her email to me. She must have been in a hurry because in her subject line she identified herself as Natalya. Natalya Grand. Which was not the same as the name on her email address which was: samuelsgjaynas@xxxxxxx.com

But never mind. Natalia had other, more disturbing problems. Like “y.o.” Urban Dictionary says “yo” is a slang form of calling attention. Urban Dictionary doesn’t even recognize a punctuated y.o. But I haven’t edited copy for nothing. I knew Natalia meant “years old” the same way I knew she meant to say “come to the correct address” and “I have a healthy life” (unless, of course she has been reincarnated in which case “lives” would be correct.)

Natalia had more to say and, between you and me, I’d say she overshared, considering she didn’t even know if this letter would get to the right address. Just think what would happen if her information fell into the wrong hands. But I digress. Here is her story with my copy edits:

I wake up early in the morning. I am an early riser. (Redundant, repetitive, superfluous.)

My day begins at 6 o’clock. I start with jogging. My height is 170 cm. My weight is 53 kg. (You forgot to include your age. Also, Google says you’re 5’ 7” tall and 116 pounds, which Google further says is very underweight if you’re Samuel and quite underweight if you’re Natalia. Or Natalya.)

I am a brunette. I work as a nurse. (Really? My cousin is a nurse. She’s blonde. Maybe you know each other.)

I get pleasure from my work. (Good. Job satisfaction is always important.)

I believe that my job is valuable for the society. (You are so right. Nurses understand a hospital stay is likely not routine for most patients, who often just want to ensure someone is there to listen to them. While doctors likely make rounds once a day, spending a few minutes with each patient, nurses are the ones delivering hour-to-hour care, acting as an empathetic ear and advocating on behalf of patients and to members of their care team.)

I like helping people. (Yes, we got that.)

I would like to find a love with whom I would feel secure. I assume each female desires about it and sees in her love a strongman and guardian. I look up only serious relationship.
(Listen, Natalia, not only are you looking for love in all the wrong places but your adverbs, prepositions, and conjunctions are in all the wrong places. And don’t even get me started on the subject-verb disagreements. I suggest you Google “I Need Grammar Help ASAP.”)

I am not attracted to flirting or correspondence.
(Need to fix this sentence. Attraction is a feeling involving people — not actions or inanimate objects.)

I don’t want to waste my time.
(Good use of a declarative sentence.)

If you look up the same, we could to learn each other more.
(Natalia, change look to feel and learn to know. Lose up and to.)

What do you think?
(I think you’ve written another good declarative sentence. Keep working on your writing. Your grammar is better when you keep your sentences short.)

I will show my pictures in the next letter.
(Sure. Maybe it’s a good idea to use pictures. You can’t really fracture syntax with a picture. A picture doesn’t have grammar or sentence structure.)

 I will await your reply.

Natalia

BOOMER REPLIES TO NATALIA

I thought and thought about my reply. What should I tell this skinny nurse who loves her job, loves early-morning runs, and wants someone to love and share pictures with? (Oops, I ended my sentence with a preposition. Just like Natalia would.)

I asked Boomer what to do. He’s a good listener and he always understands. Here’s what he said:

Dear Natalia,

I can’t believe my luck! We have so much in common. I wake up at 6 o’clock, too! Or 5:30. Or 4 a.m. Whenever I hear something with my super-sensitive ears. Do you like to bark when you wake up?

I also run every morning. Run and run and run. I have a very big yard.

I don’t have a job but I love to help people! I could come to where ever it is that you are being a nurse and I could help, too! I will give people my paw of friendship, share my fur (they call it shedding and I can do that a lot!), help them finish their lunches (I’ll eat anything they don’t want!), listen to their problems, and get them to play ball which, believe me, cheers everyone up!

I can help you find someone! We can go to the shelter or to a pet adoption or just drive around and pick up strays. You will be so happy! You will feel secure! And you will have a Guardian!

I will await your reply! You don’t need to send a picture. I don’t think I can see two-dimensional images. Plus, I don’t care what you look like.

Boomer